diff --git a/src/aphront/console/plugin/DarkConsoleServicesPlugin.php b/src/aphront/console/plugin/DarkConsoleServicesPlugin.php
index 0cd69e578c..757c1e7049 100644
--- a/src/aphront/console/plugin/DarkConsoleServicesPlugin.php
+++ b/src/aphront/console/plugin/DarkConsoleServicesPlugin.php
@@ -15,6 +15,9 @@ final class DarkConsoleServicesPlugin extends DarkConsolePlugin {
     return 'Information about services.';
   }
 
+  /**
+   * @phutil-external-symbol class PhabricatorStartup
+   */
   public function generateData() {
 
     $log = PhutilServiceProfiler::getInstance()->getServiceCallLog();
@@ -130,7 +133,7 @@ final class DarkConsoleServicesPlugin extends DarkConsolePlugin {
     }
 
     return array(
-      'start' => $GLOBALS['__start__'],
+      'start' => PhabricatorStartup::getStartTime(),
       'end'   => microtime(true),
       'log'   => $log,
     );
diff --git a/src/infrastructure/PhabricatorRequestOverseer.php b/src/infrastructure/PhabricatorRequestOverseer.php
index a26815ceed..ca5408c565 100644
--- a/src/infrastructure/PhabricatorRequestOverseer.php
+++ b/src/infrastructure/PhabricatorRequestOverseer.php
@@ -19,6 +19,8 @@ final class PhabricatorRequestOverseer {
    * to the documentation the stream isn't available for "multipart/form-data"
    * (on nginx + php-fpm it appears that it is available, though, at least) so
    * any attempt to generate $_POST would be fragile.
+   *
+   * @phutil-external-symbol class PhabricatorStartup
    */
   private function detectPostMaxSizeTriggered() {
     // If this wasn't a POST, we're fine.
@@ -83,7 +85,7 @@ final class PhabricatorRequestOverseer {
     // populated into $_POST, but it wasn't.
 
     $config = ini_get('post_max_size');
-    $this->fatal(
+    PhabricatorStartup::didFatal(
       "As received by the server, this request had a nonzero content length ".
       "but no POST data.\n\n".
       "Normally, this indicates that it exceeds the 'post_max_size' setting ".
@@ -93,14 +95,4 @@ final class PhabricatorRequestOverseer {
       "'post_max_size' is set to '{$config}'.");
   }
 
-  /**
-   * Defined in webroot/index.php.
-   * TODO: Move here.
-   *
-   * @phutil-external-symbol function phabricator_fatal
-   */
-  public function fatal($message) {
-    phabricator_fatal('FATAL ERROR: '.$message);
-  }
-
 }
diff --git a/support/PhabricatorStartup.php b/support/PhabricatorStartup.php
new file mode 100644
index 0000000000..90b20e997d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/support/PhabricatorStartup.php
@@ -0,0 +1,222 @@
+<?php
+
+/**
+ * Handle request startup, before loading the environment or libraries. This
+ * class bootstraps the request state up to the point where we can enter
+ * Phabricator code.
+ *
+ * NOTE: This class MUST NOT have any dependencies. It runs before libraries
+ * load.
+ *
+ * @task info         Accessing Request Information
+ * @task hook         Startup Hooks
+ * @task apocalypse   In Case Of Apocalypse
+ * @task validation   Validation
+ */
+final class PhabricatorStartup {
+
+  private static $startTime;
+  private static $globals = array();
+
+
+/* -(  Accessing Request Information  )-------------------------------------- */
+
+
+  /**
+   * @task info
+   */
+  public static function getStartTime() {
+    return self::$startTime;
+  }
+
+
+  /**
+   * @task info
+   */
+  public static function setGlobal($key, $value) {
+    self::validateGlobal($key);
+
+    self::$globals[$key] = $value;
+  }
+
+
+  /**
+   * @task info
+   */
+  public static function getGlobal($key, $default = null) {
+    self::validateGlobal($key);
+
+    if (!array_key_exists($key, self::$globals)) {
+      return $default;
+    }
+    return self::$globals[$key];
+  }
+
+
+/* -(  Startup Hooks  )------------------------------------------------------ */
+
+
+  /**
+   * @task hook
+   */
+  public static function didStartup() {
+    self::$startTime = microtime(true);
+    self::$globals = array();
+
+    self::setupPHP();
+    self::verifyPHP();
+
+    self::verifyRewriteRules();
+
+    static $registered;
+    if (!$registered) {
+      // NOTE: This protects us against multiple calls to didStartup() in the
+      // same request, but also against repeated requests to the same
+      // interpreter state, which we may implement in the future.
+      register_shutdown_function(array(__CLASS__, 'didShutdown'));
+      $registered = true;
+    }
+  }
+
+
+  /**
+   * @task hook
+   */
+  public static function didShutdown() {
+    $event = error_get_last();
+
+    if (!$event) {
+      return;
+    }
+
+    switch ($event['type']) {
+      case E_ERROR:
+      case E_PARSE:
+      case E_COMPILE_ERROR:
+        break;
+      default:
+        return;
+    }
+
+    $msg = ">>> UNRECOVERABLE FATAL ERROR <<<\n\n";
+    if ($event) {
+      // Even though we should be emitting this as text-plain, escape things
+      // just to be sure since we can't really be sure what the program state
+      // is when we get here.
+      $msg .= htmlspecialchars(
+        $event['message']."\n\n".$event['file'].':'.$event['line'],
+        ENT_QUOTES,
+        'UTF-8');
+    }
+
+    // flip dem tables
+    $msg .= "\n\n\n";
+    $msg .= "\xe2\x94\xbb\xe2\x94\x81\xe2\x94\xbb\x20\xef\xb8\xb5\x20\xc2\xaf".
+            "\x5c\x5f\x28\xe3\x83\x84\x29\x5f\x2f\xc2\xaf\x20\xef\xb8\xb5\x20".
+            "\xe2\x94\xbb\xe2\x94\x81\xe2\x94\xbb";
+
+    self::didFatal($msg);
+  }
+
+
+/* -(  In Case of Apocalypse  )---------------------------------------------- */
+
+
+  /**
+   * @task apocalypse
+   */
+  public static function didFatal($message) {
+    $access_log = self::getGlobal('log.access');
+
+    if ($access_log) {
+      try {
+        $access_log->setData(
+          array(
+            'c' => 500,
+          ));
+        $access_log->write();
+      } catch (Exception $ex) {
+        $message .= "\n(Moreover, unable to write to access log.)";
+      }
+    }
+
+    header(
+      'Content-Type: text/plain; charset=utf-8',
+      $replace = true,
+      $http_error = 500);
+
+    error_log($message);
+    echo $message;
+
+    exit(1);
+  }
+
+
+/* -(  Validation  )--------------------------------------------------------- */
+
+
+  /**
+   * @task valiation
+   */
+  private static function setupPHP() {
+    error_reporting(E_ALL | E_STRICT);
+    ini_set('memory_limit', -1);
+  }
+
+
+  /**
+   * @task valiation
+   */
+  private static function verifyPHP() {
+    $required_version = '5.2.3';
+    if (version_compare(PHP_VERSION, $required_version) < 0) {
+      self::didFatal(
+        "You are running PHP version '".PHP_VERSION."', which is older than ".
+        "the minimum version, '{$required_version}'. Update to at least ".
+        "'{$required_version}'.");
+    }
+
+    if (get_magic_quotes_gpc()) {
+      self::didFatal(
+        "Your server is configured with PHP 'magic_quotes_gpc' enabled. This ".
+        "feature is 'highly discouraged' by PHP's developers and you must ".
+        "disable it to run Phabricator. Consult the PHP manual for ".
+        "instructions.");
+    }
+  }
+
+
+  /**
+   * @task valiation
+   */
+  private static function verifyRewriteRules() {
+    if (isset($_REQUEST['__path__'])) {
+      return;
+    }
+
+    if (php_sapi_name() == 'cli-server') {
+      // Compatibility with PHP 5.4+ built-in web server.
+      $url = parse_url($_SERVER['REQUEST_URI']);
+      $_REQUEST['__path__'] = $url['path'];
+    } else {
+      self::didFatal(
+        "Request parameter '__path__' is not set. Your rewrite rules ".
+        "are not configured correctly.");
+    }
+  }
+
+
+  /**
+   * @task valiation
+   */
+  private static function validateGlobal($key) {
+    static $globals = array(
+      'log.access' => true,
+    );
+
+    if (empty($globals[$key])) {
+      throw new Exception("Access to unknown startup global '{$key}'!");
+    }
+  }
+
+}
diff --git a/webroot/index.php b/webroot/index.php
index fee8fd3fae..bddda96949 100644
--- a/webroot/index.php
+++ b/webroot/index.php
@@ -1,20 +1,10 @@
 <?php
 
-$__start__ = microtime(true);
+require_once dirname(dirname(__FILE__)).'/support/PhabricatorStartup.php';
+PhabricatorStartup::didStartup();
+
 $access_log = null;
 
-error_reporting(E_ALL | E_STRICT);
-
-$required_version = '5.2.3';
-if (version_compare(PHP_VERSION, $required_version) < 0) {
-  phabricator_fatal_config_error(
-    "You are running PHP version '".PHP_VERSION."', which is older than ".
-    "the minimum version, '{$required_version}'. Update to at least ".
-    "'{$required_version}'.");
-}
-
-ini_set('memory_limit', -1);
-
 $env = getenv('PHABRICATOR_ENV'); // Apache
 if (!$env) {
   if (isset($_ENV['PHABRICATOR_ENV'])) {
@@ -23,31 +13,12 @@ if (!$env) {
 }
 
 if (!$env) {
-  phabricator_fatal_config_error(
+  PhabricatorStartup::didFatal(
     "The 'PHABRICATOR_ENV' environmental variable is not defined. Modify ".
     "your httpd.conf to include 'SetEnv PHABRICATOR_ENV <env>', where '<env>' ".
     "is one of 'development', 'production', or a custom environment.");
 }
 
-if (!isset($_REQUEST['__path__'])) {
-  if (php_sapi_name() == 'cli-server') {
-    // Compatibility with PHP 5.4+ built-in web server.
-    $url = parse_url($_SERVER['REQUEST_URI']);
-    $_REQUEST['__path__'] = $url['path'];
-  } else {
-    phabricator_fatal_config_error(
-      "__path__ is not set. Your rewrite rules are not configured correctly.");
-  }
-}
-
-if (get_magic_quotes_gpc()) {
-  phabricator_fatal_config_error(
-    "Your server is configured with PHP 'magic_quotes_gpc' enabled. This ".
-    "feature is 'highly discouraged' by PHP's developers and you must ".
-    "disable it to run Phabricator. Consult the PHP manual for instructions.");
-}
-
-register_shutdown_function('phabricator_shutdown');
 
 require_once dirname(dirname(__FILE__)).'/conf/__init_conf__.php';
 
@@ -81,6 +52,7 @@ try {
   PhabricatorAccessLog::init();
   $access_log = PhabricatorAccessLog::getLog();
   if ($access_log) {
+    PhabricatorStartup::setGlobal('log.access', $access_log);
     $access_log->setData(
       array(
         'R' => idx($_SERVER, 'HTTP_REFERER', '-'),
@@ -193,7 +165,7 @@ try {
           $ex,
         ));
     }
-    phabricator_fatal('[Rendering Exception] '.$ex->getMessage());
+    PhabricatorStartup::didFatal('[Rendering Exception] '.$ex->getMessage());
   }
 
   $write_guard->dispose();
@@ -211,10 +183,11 @@ try {
   $sink->writeData($response_string);
 
   if ($access_log) {
+    $request_start = PhabricatorStartup::getStartTime();
     $access_log->setData(
       array(
         'c' => $response->getHTTPResponseCode(),
-        'T' => (int)(1000000 * (microtime(true) - $__start__)),
+        'T' => (int)(1000000 * (microtime(true) - $request_start)),
       ));
     $access_log->write();
   }
@@ -240,7 +213,7 @@ try {
   }
 
 } catch (Exception $ex) {
-  phabricator_fatal("[Exception] ".$ex->getMessage());
+  PhabricatorStartup::didFatal("[Exception] ".$ex->getMessage());
 }
 
 
@@ -275,10 +248,6 @@ function setup_aphront_basics() {
 
 }
 
-function phabricator_fatal_config_error($msg) {
-  phabricator_fatal("CONFIG ERROR: ".$msg."\n");
-}
-
 function phabricator_detect_bad_base_uri() {
   $conf = PhabricatorEnv::getEnvConfig('phabricator.base-uri');
   $uri = new PhutilURI($conf);
@@ -287,13 +256,14 @@ function phabricator_detect_bad_base_uri() {
     case 'https':
       break;
     default:
-      return phabricator_fatal_config_error(
+      PhabricatorStartup::didFatal(
         "'phabricator.base-uri' is set to '{$conf}', which is invalid. ".
         "The URI must start with 'http://' or 'https://'.");
+      return;
   }
 
   if (strpos($uri->getDomain(), '.') === false) {
-    phabricator_fatal_config_error(
+    PhabricatorStartup::didFatal(
       "'phabricator.base-uri' is set to '{$conf}', which is invalid. The URI ".
       "must contain a dot ('.'), like 'http://example.com/', not just ".
       "'http://example/'. Some web browsers will not set cookies on domains ".
@@ -304,63 +274,3 @@ function phabricator_detect_bad_base_uri() {
   }
 }
 
-function phabricator_shutdown() {
-  $event = error_get_last();
-
-  if (!$event) {
-    return;
-  }
-
-  switch ($event['type']) {
-    case E_ERROR:
-    case E_PARSE:
-    case E_COMPILE_ERROR:
-      break;
-    default:
-      return;
-  }
-
-  $msg = ">>> UNRECOVERABLE FATAL ERROR <<<\n\n";
-  if ($event) {
-    // Even though we should be emitting this as text-plain, escape things just
-    // to be sure since we can't really be sure what the program state is when
-    // we get here.
-    $msg .= phutil_escape_html($event['message'])."\n\n";
-    $msg .= phutil_escape_html($event['file'].':'.$event['line']);
-  }
-
-  // flip dem tables
-  $msg .= "\n\n\n";
-  $msg .= "\xe2\x94\xbb\xe2\x94\x81\xe2\x94\xbb\x20\xef\xb8\xb5\x20\xc2\xaf".
-          "\x5c\x5f\x28\xe3\x83\x84\x29\x5f\x2f\xc2\xaf\x20\xef\xb8\xb5\x20".
-          "\xe2\x94\xbb\xe2\x94\x81\xe2\x94\xbb";
-
-  phabricator_fatal($msg);
-}
-
-function phabricator_fatal($msg) {
-
-  global $access_log;
-  if ($access_log) {
-    try {
-      $access_log->setData(
-        array(
-          'c' => 500,
-        ));
-      $access_log->write();
-    } catch (Exception $ex) {
-      $msg .= "\nMoreover unable to write to access log.";
-    }
-  }
-
-  header(
-    'Content-Type: text/plain; charset=utf-8',
-    $replace = true,
-    $http_error = 500);
-
-  error_log($msg);
-  echo $msg;
-
-  exit(1);
-}
-